When you’ve been through the darkness of grief, believing life can be beautiful again feels impossible.

After a long healing journey, the second half of 2024 was pure bliss in my books. We now owned a home in the city we love, we were renovating it and I had just gotten my dream job!

In a way, it is true that the loss will always be felt, however, the pain eventually subsided to a level I could cope with and it even gave me a sense of purpose. Ollie’s short life is a beacon and a constant reminder to me that life it’s too short and we have to make the most of it. If something doesn’t bring peace, change it!

Earlier in 2024 we spoke to our GP and in a final ditch attempt, we were once more put in the waiting list for an IVF appointment through the NHS. A few months later I received a letter confirming our appointment would take place in November. The wait was going to be long but at least I’d live with no regrets or wonder “what if?”

As the months went by, I had reached such a place of contentment and joy from my life that I was considering cancelling it and accepting our roles as the best aunt and uncle we could be. In my head, we’d spend the rest of our days making our home awesome, preparing for our future retirement, traveling the world and spoiling our nephews and nieces rotten.

And then… surprise, surprise…. I found out I was pregnant!

At first we felt extremely happy but not exactly excited. My mind was finally in a place of acceptance that this may not happen at all for us and we had been through this journey before and knew we’d have to place ourselves in a vulnerable position again and risk the pain of loss once more. Not a very exciting prospect. So, we had to make the conscious decision of taking this pregnancy journey one day at a time. Anything more than that was just plain overwhelming.

However, with every day gone by, our confidence and love for this boy would grow a little more and we would allow ourselves little by little to start thinking about a good outcome. A good future. 

Because of Ollie, our medical care has been absolutely phenomenal which has made the journey more bearable and it also helps that this pregnancy in itself has been mostly without complications (thanks Gestational Diabetes) and I have loved growing his little brother. However, due to our previous experience there’s always a concern that this could go pear shaped really quickly. 

As we enter these final days of this journey, it still feels scary and it feels surreal to reach these final milestones that felt so far and impossible at the beginning. I have had a few rough moments but by some miracle this pregnancy has been surrounded by peace and ultimately joy. And I’m choosing joy and excitement to see me through it.

So as we enter these “almost there but not quite yet” moments, here’s what I have learned about watching and waiting for a miracle to grow and take place:

  • I have learned that it may require you to walk through the same process that brought a lot of pain, and that is very scary. Take it one step at a time and know that there will be redemption along the way. It will also demand total surrender to the process.
  • Some days will just be hard, and that is ok. Feel them. Let the day, the minute, the hour be what it needs to be. Allow yourself to feel all the feels. This is how we honour our journey.
  • Instead of focusing on an specific endgame, I needed to enjoy the journey and actively choose to believe that life will be good, no matter the outcome. 
  • Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Voice your feelings. Having honest conversations with your support team (friends and family) and having someone advocate for you when you’re unable to will make the whole difference.
  • Keep busy. Don’t let the process be the only consuming thought and driver in your life. Make future plans and dream new exciting dreams, because no matter how this lands, life will continue.
  • Celebrate other people getting the outcome you hope for. This one can be tricky in the tough moments, but re-framing it in your mind from “why them and not me?” to “if it happened for them it can absolutely also happen for me!” has helped a lot in taking anxiety away and letting joy flow.
  • And finally, be ruthless in protecting your peace. If it makes you feel sad, anxious or just doesn’t add anything to your life, cut it out.

Maybe you’re also in the process of being cautiously optimistic about your breakthrough. Maybe you can almost touch that miracle you’ve been waiting for but you’re afraid it’ll all be taken away again at the last moment. Or maybe you just need more proof that hoping again after loss is possible. Whichever the case, I hope my journey will help make the in-between wait be more bearable and help you know that you’re not alone.

Here’s to a good future and many miracles!